Hi- Remember me?

I am still here.  Living.  As it should be.

Those are such wonderful words.

The journey of cancer makes saying those words very special, even if you don't want to admit that to yourself, and never to others.  I am one of those people.  I would never admit that anything else would come of this journey than "I am here. Living. As it should be"

My outlook was one of indignant .... I wouldn't call it denial, I never denied the disease or it's process.  Perhaps a place of considering myself the supreme overlord over this situation and nothing else will win.  Delusional? Perhaps.  Whatever works, I guess.  Laugh if you must, it gets me through the tough times.  ;-) 

So, am I winning?  It would certainly seem so.  Checkups are going well so far.  Next oncologist appointment is in April, so we'll see what he has to say.  Not expecting anything to worry about.

The biggest struggle has been rebuilding the house, so to speak.  These girls have not been overly cooperative.  I will spare you the ugly details, but suffice it to say that I think we may have something workable now.  The first step in tattooing was done in December.

 For anyone reading who doesn't understand, that is the coloring of the nipples to make them appear as natural as possible.  My natural nipples were removed during the mastectomy procedure.  Some people are able to do a nipple saving procedure, but as I may have mentioned before- since my cancer was in the ducts that was not an option for me.

Part of my reconstructive journey has been to rebuild not only the breasts, but also to create the illusion of nipples.  You can't replace real nipples.  The tissue that is taken is unique in its function.  It is possible to make pretty good looking replications however.

This is truly art.  In my case, it started with the plastic surgeon.  Once he had the canvas of the breasts of a size and shape we wanted to work with, he asked about what type of nipple reconstruction I wanted.  The choices are:

None-
This is where your breast is a blank slate.  No nipple.  Makes going braless super easy.  But, not such a natural look.

Tattoos only-
This is where the look of nipples are tattooed on the reconstructed breast.  While the tattoos are amazingly detailed and shaded- there is no real dimension.  With the talented hand of a skilled tattoo artist, the illusion of dimension is added through shading.  Again- the no bra thing is a snap since there is no raised tissue.

Nipple tuck alone-
This is where the plastic surgeon uses skin and sutures to create a very realistic looking nipple.  This procedure alone does not create any coloring of the areola or nipple, but it does create a nipple-looking skin structure.

Nipple tuck/tattooing-
This is the combination of the last two techniques and creates the most visually realistic nipple.  It will not only have the coloring of a natural nipple, but also be dimensional.  This is the option I chose.  My fear- the proverbial 'headlights are always on'.  I was afraid of how noticeable this would be. AND- I have never had a tattoo.  Oddly enough, I was afraid of how much it would hurt.  Everything I have been through and this one made me nervous....crazy.

The actual nipple tuck (by the way, that's my word...not sure what they really call it) was done as part of another reconstruction procedure to tweak the breasts.  They look kind of strange in the beginning and then the look of them kind of 'melts' down as they heal until they look very natural.  It's pretty fascinating stuff really.

My last reconstructive surgery was in October.  I had to let the scars heal a bit before we could think about the tattoos.  At my last follow up, it was decided that December would be the perfect time frame to get on the tattoo calendar.

December 19th.  One year and one day after my double mastectomies was the day.  I went to the plastic surgeon's office and met with the awesome tattoo artist.  She asked me some questions, sketched the placement of the nipples, applied numbing cream and, after it took effect, got to work.  It was amazingly fast.  The whole process took less than an hour, including all the prep work.

It was a bit painful, but in the greater scheme of things, it was far from the greatest pain I have felt.

Healing was quick.  I was careful to keep the ointment that was recommended up until the peeling was done.

They looked like natural nipples almost immediately.

I will go back in March for some additional shading and maybe some work on my scars.  I have scars that run horizontally about 8 or so inches across each breast.  They are red and angry looking and she feels she can camouflage them a bit.

I am so impressed by the process.  It almost makes you forget.  Almost.

Nine Months

A lot can happen in nine months.

A lot DOES happen in nine months.

Babies are conceived and born in that time. A beautiful thing I have been lucky enough to experience 3 times- the loves of my life.

A school year begins and ends in about that amount of time.

Three seasons of the year pass by- all beautiful in their own right.

It has been nine months since my left nipple started to bleed and my life was changed forever. So much has happened in that time.

Wow, "My life has changed forever" is a very big statement. I would like that not to be true, but it is. As much as I try to push the word "CANCER" down it creeps back into my life. I am cancer-free. Why does it keep creeping back into my daily life?

Once you go on this journey, you can't hide from it- it will always be there. You will think about it every day. From looking at your appointment book, whether it is planning the next appointment or simply seeing all the ones that passed, to looking down at your scarred body- it will always be there to remind you.

I was recently on vacation in beautiful Myrtle Beach, SC. The "before me" would have wandered out to the beach and plopped down on the chair, reading my book all day in the sun. Sunburn would have been inevitable, as would the pain that followed. It was part of visiting the beach. The "after me" made sure I had an umbrella to block the sun, SPF 50 sunblock that I slathered on every exposed area of skin (and those scars, which were not exposed but just in case) religiously and there was NO sunburn. I hid in the shady area beneath the umbrella unless I was in the water. I already had one kind of cancer- I don't want another! Silly? Maybe, but why take chances?

Don't get me wrong, I had a great, relaxing time on the beach- but I was much more careful than I would have been "before".

So, where am I today in my journey you may ask? Or not- I will tell you anyway ;-)

My hair has grown back in nicely and SO curly. I am keeping it short. The general consensus is that I look best with short hair, so I will keep it. Much more gray than before, but that was easily remedied (thanks to my awesome stylist, Courtney!) Kinda makes me wonder how terrible I looked with the long hair, but whatever. grin.

My nails are almost completely back to normal. The exception is my toenails- a bit slower to grow out, but nothing horrible.


OVERSHARING ALERT- STOP READING IF YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW!



My breasts.... hmmm.... well, they are still a work in progress.

The right side isn't bad, but needs a bit of tweaking to remove some redundant skin. This kind of gives it a boxy look on the lower half.

The left side is a bigger issue. It has the same boxy problem as the right, but also is flat- like I am leaning against something but I am not. This is the result of scar tissue in the capsule that holds the implant. The fix for this is to cut out the old capsule, which is essentially all scar tissue and allow it to create a new pocket for the implant. Basically, redo it.

The hope is that the two of them will wind up looking essentially the same once we are done. My scars will become even longer than the 6+" that they are each now, which obviously isn't ideal, but it needs to be done for a better result.

My goal is to be able to look down, or in the mirror and feel like I am looking at natural breasts. That is not what I see right now. My doctor agrees.

I should point out that this is in no way a statement on my doctor's abilities. I was a very tough case having gone from such a large size before to a much smaller size now. The first surgeon had to do very large horizontal incisions which has made this a rough road for all of us. The plastic surgeon is wonderful and is letting me drive this, when I am happy, we are done.

The next step in my journey is scheduled for October 7th.